Five things to do before you’re dead

The sun is shining, birds are singing, loved ones are pulling at you or you’re thinking ‘bad’ thoughts like, “why don’t I take the afternoon off?” A common sentiment expressed when you’re doing something you’re supposed to be doing but would prefer not to be is, “When I’m lying on my deathbed I won’t be thinking I wished I’d spent more time at my desk.” Or somebody is quoting this line at you, trying to get you to challenge your personal habits, your sense of duty or your love of earning a few dollars more.

Now, the thoughts of those who were really dying have been put down on paper by a palliative nurse who has worked with dozens of patients experiencing their last days. There is probably nothing like impending death to concentrate the mind and Bronnie Ware wrote down the most common regrets of her patients. It turns out that what you might imagine you would be thinking may not be too far from the reality. Ware listed the top five regrets expressed by people during their last days. They are:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me: For a lot of people this is a lifelong, slowly learned lesson. Many of us are brought up with a strong sense of expectations instilled in us: first from parents, who may be too controlling and even place us in a profession we have no long for. Expectations continue from other family members, in the workplace, or through the dominant society discourses we expose ourselves to.

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard: Hmmm. Hard work is almost never questioned. Of course, the bills have to be paid and having no work or not enough of it or having poorly paid work are not enviable situations. But too often, working hard is a choice. Ware found that every male patient she encountered expressed this regret. Why? Because they realised too late they were missing out on their children’s upbringing or on developing their personal relationships. “Try to maintain balance. Don’t make work your whole life”, a patient said to Bronnie Ware, after realising the mistake he had made.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. Not easy in a culture that has up to recently frowned upon the expressing of emotions, particularly for men. Even Tony Soprano came around valuing the benefits of letting people know what you feel, even if they find it upsetting.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. There’s little excuse now with the advent of Facebook to re-kindle of what were valuable friendships but were allowed to wither away because people got distracted with their own lives.

5. I wish I’d let myself be happier. Being happy isn’t always a choice, but often it is. Accepting yourself, indulging yourself, stepping back, not beating yourself up and living a life true to yourself all help to make you a more inner-satisfied person. It’s got nothing to do with L’Oreal and everything to do with you. You are worth it.

For more, see Bronnie Ware, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing. Also see Ware’s blog at www.inspirationandchai.com